These past couple of weeks, I have learned something:
There are a lot of people in this world.
Many of them who are interesting.
Some of them will share common interests with you.
But very few will care about you,
and you will only care for very few.
When I came to this thought, I immediately asked my friend if that was a cynical way of thinking. She said “No, that’s realistic. It would take a lot of energy to care for more than just a few in that way.”
These past couple of weeks have been very hard, emotionally, for me. That is probably the bravest statement I have ever written for others to see. Yes, even I, the girl who everyone calls “sunshine,” the girl who is always happy and cheerful, and the girl who radiates energy and optimism…can be mopey and sad. A few months ago, one of my favorite bloggers posted about the highs and the lows that she and her husband went through and I appreciated her honesty. It was so refreshing. I figured that maybe, I should be honest myself. So here goes.
I absolutely believe this is the hardest breakup I’ve ever gone through- and to tell you the truth: it should be. It was my first adult relationship. He was my best friend. No matter what I was doing, if I had an election to win and I needed the support to go on or wanted someone to watch the ducks with: he was it. As time passed by, I found myself in situations that I never saw myself in and realized that I am capable of supporting someone during some trying times. I also realized that there were some things I should have never accepted, but did so anyway. At the time, I couldn’t imagine losing him, so I dealt with it and hoped that we would be able to work it out.
Then I found out something that I couldn’t accept. It really was almost like a scene out of a dark comedy…which on one hand is great because I can laugh about it. I’m dog sitting for his family and I stumble upon something that makes me extremely upset. It made me upset enough to do the unthinkable- to cut out someone who has been part of the fabric of my life for the last two years.
I can’t tell you how hard that was. It broke my heart but it was the right thing to do. I deserved better.
It was a weird experience because I found this out not even two hours into dog sitting. I looked at the dog and realized that I was in for the most awkward 24 hours of my life. As upset as I was with him, I couldn’t just leave the dog. I had a duty to do and I wasn’t going to leave his family in a pinch. I took care of the dog, watched the house, wrote a letter for him saying that we were over and left it on his desk for him to find when he got back home, and left when I was scheduled to.
If I needed any example of how resilient I am- I think I found it.
These last couple of weeks, I have been slowly rebuilding my life. After this happened, I also received a wonderful professional opportunity, ran Warrior Dash and completed it within a hour, hung out with my friends, made some new friends, and even have been on a couple of dates…though I have realized I still have a ways to go until I’m ready to be back in the dating scene. I’m still on track to taking the GREs and I’m focused on getting into a fabulous graduate school. Things are progressing and I am so blessed to say that they are. I have found out how strong I really am…even though I still can’t do a chin up.
What I have learned is that although it feels like I was run over by a Mack truck, there is no choice to but to live life. This beautiful gift we’re given is so short and you never know when it will be taken from you. Yes- disappointments will come. Yes- you can be sad over them. And yes- you will get through them. It is hard but what I’ve found that has helped me is that you have to put yourself out there. If you don’t- you’re going to be missing out. Last Friday, my friend J. and I went to a wine store and I met a fabulous new friend that I had an awesome time going out with last night. If I had just stayed in my room because I was sad- last night wouldn’t have happened. Now I have someone to do yoga and take trips to the co-op with and that is the cat’s pajamas to me!
My best advice is, when you’re going through a break up, take this time to rediscover the beautiful person you are. For example, I haven’t seen Trainspotting in FOREVER and I was so excited to watch it on Netflix, even if it was only by myself…oh Ewan McGregor, even when he’s playing a heroin addict, he’s still the sexiest man alive. It is cliche but it is true: you can’t love someone else until you can love yourself. Grieve as much as you can and when it feels right: shine your light.
To the future, we go.