Alex in Transit(ion)

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bah bah, bah bah, this is the sound of settling.

I should be doing the finishing touches on my thesis but all work and no play makes a very sad Alex. To know that freedom is so close is just unbelievable. I’m really pumped to finally settle into my life. For so long, it’s seemed like I’ve been racing from one finish line to the next, like campaigning or grad school. A few months ago, my friend mentioned that I’ve been moving at a fast, but very unsustainable pace and what I need, more than anything, is some true rest and relaxation. My friends from Jersey and I are planning a shore day and it sounds like absolute heaven and we’re all going out on Friday to celebrate my gradubirthday so I can’t wait.

My stress fracture is getting better! I’m on week 5 of 8 of rehab. Swimming has been amazing, and I’ve hit the point where I can jump without any pain. Jumping sounds risky, but it’s not. A friend was concerned I’m hurting myself but before attempting a stressful activity, it’s important to know your body. If I was feeling pain this morning, I wouldn’t jump and wouldn’t recommend jumping. I’m preparing my foot to run again, in which I will be putting 4x my body weight on my feet with each strike I make. I need to ensure that we’re making progress. This is the advice I’m following:

It is a little frustrating not being able to run on these gorgeous days but I keep reminding myself that I’d rather be healthy than injured. If I’m feeling slight to very little pain now, I’m doing something right. It no longer hurts when I walk. The only time I feel pain is when I do certain yoga moves, like three legged dog for an extended period of time. But I can flex with my feet and execute a grabbing motion without pain, so yay! We’re getting there.

This morning, I woke up with a splitting sinus headache. It’s one of those where you feel like someone kicked you in the stomach. Yet, I found it was a great time to reflect and I realized that I’m exactly where I want to be. However, I do need to keep my ambition in check. When I take too much on at once, I am not staying true to myself or the cause I seek to help. On Tuesday, Newark’s having a mayoral election and I felt a little guilty about not campaigning for Shavar Jeffries. Then I realized that it was almost impossible to balance my work and grad school schedule at the same time, why am I even entertaining adding another responsibility? The lesson I’ve learned is just because you have the drive to do everything, doesn’t mean you should. It’s very hard for me to accept because in my heart, I am someone who wants to do good and help others, but if I’m burning myself out, what is being accomplished?

A lot of people ask me if I will ever return upstate. It would absolutely be a dream to live in Saratoga or Albany proper. My official stance is that I want to be in a place that offers me the ability to advance a career in public transportation and sustainability efforts. It’s what I moved to New Jersey for. I also want to be with an agency that cares about my career aspirations while giving me the time to focus on my family.

You’ve probably seen me throw the ‘”f”,”c”, and “h” words around a lot. In the past, I hesitated about writing about this but the truth is, I feel like I’ve finally reached the place in which I’m confident in my career path and education, which is a great feeling because it’s something that I never realized before. For so long, it’s been “when I get my master’s, when I get my first real job, when I’m not moving once every 6 months.” It’s here now. While I’m still going to live out the late 20’s dream haha, I do want to settle down sometime in the next few years. I’m still going to have fun and date around because that’s the only way of figuring out if there’s a future with someone. Yet if I find someone that clicks who feels mutually about me, I’m not going to wallow and say “oh, I need to play the field more.” I’m done with that. I’m done with boys who can’t figure out if they want me in their life or not. With that said, I’m no longer sympathetic to those sorts of situations because I’ve realized that when two people click, they don’t play the game of “are we on or off?” It’s exhausting. I’m also not going to settle because life is too short to not be with the right partner. I’ve had the pleasure of dating some really nice guys but just because a relationship didn’t work out doesn’t mean they’re not good people. It just didn’t work and the best thing to do is wish them bliss. Lately, I’ve seen a lot of people throw this quote from 500 Days of Summer, and I’ve found it to resonate: “People change. Feelings change. It doesn’t mean that the love once shared wasn’t true or real. It simply means that sometimes when people grow, they grow apart.”

Direction feels good. It feels really good.

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YEP! I know EXACTLY what you mean, although I will also extend this to bartenders and sandwich shop staffers (oh hey, alliteration!)